Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Professional Troll Code of Conduct

Trolling is a sport that is aptly named because it is like fishing. You need something to catch and your prey must be lured into taking some bait. Stupid and crazy fish find bait especially tasty and delicious and their appetite is insatiable. Here are some guidelines to help you play your game and reel in that trophy.

Rule #1 - Be an actor, not a reactor
You want to place the fish you are trolling for into reaction mode without making yourself look bad in the process. There are lots of ways to do this. You can send a private message that nobody else knows about. Don't over-do-it, but try to appear helpful in the message. Basically you just want to antagonize the fish at this point. Fish always want what they can't get and it provokes them to attack the bait. This is known as "jigging the hook".

Example A -  You might send a private message that says "You make sense for someone that is clearly uneducated." That is called a back handed compliment. Use them sparingly.

Example B - State something they can attack privately or at another web site, and be ready to pounce on the prey when they go after the bait publicly or the web site you care about. This is known as "bait and switch".

Rule #2 - Avoid piranha attacks
The primary cause of defeat in battle is failure to properly assess the enemy. If you bob the hook in a gentle and smooth motion, the fish will go after the bait without first properly assessing the troll. Little fish don't go after big bait and it scares the other small fish in the pond - UNLESS THEY ARE GAY!

Stupid fish travel in schools and you never want more than one fish on at a time. If a whole school of fish does attack, this is called a piranha attack and it can be dangerous. If the moderator is one of those school fish, your line could get cut. IF THE PIRANHA ARE GAY, YOU'RE FUCKED!

A good way to suffer a piranha attack is to use too much chum. Choosing a user-name like "Hitler" at the American Holocaust Museum will invite a huge piranha attack every time. Trust me on this one, that was way  too much chum!

Take the time to recon the pond. Here are some good hints to chumming:

1. Never use chum in water over your head. (Smart people)
2. Never use too much chum. (The Hitler rule)
3. Never use chum in muddy water. (Lots of other trolls or piranha attack)
4. Never engage a gay troll(s). (homo-piranha-maximus) Ouch!

Rule #3 - Let the fish come to you
When the fish advances, withdraw and when the fish withdraws, advance. If you try to reel the fish in too fast, you risk breaking the line. Breaking the line is equal to getting banned and you lose troll points for that. This also makes professional trolling more difficult for other trolls. You might spend days or even weeks bringing in that big one but it will be worth it in the end. The fight with that fish on the line is what trolling is all about.

Rule #4 - Say stupid things with attitude
Unlicensed trolls that work for defense contractors sometimes know things and you can get them to help you even though that is the opposite of what they are trying to do. Only ATS trolls have the training and experience to conduct these types of operations.

Rule #5 - Never fight over the fish
Sometimes when trolling, you spot a fish that appears both crazy and stupid. These fish are considered a delicacy and are easy to spot and catch.

Often another troll will already have the fish on and you may not be aware of that and a troll fight breaks out. Never fight over a fish when trolling! Someone is going to get a pickup tire slashed or lose their line and nothing good comes from that.Just remember - No trolling an ATA troll.

If the fish is that big, the proper etiquette is to politely ask the other troll if you can join in and share the fish and points. A good trophy can weigh as much as 20 points so there is plenty to go around.

Rule #6 - Shark Attack
Sometimes you catch a fish and it unexpectedly turns out to be huge and dangerous shark. This is what's called a shark attack. While normally that would be what you are trying to accomplish in reverse but it can happen to anyone. See rule #2.

If this should occur, while it is frowned upon, you may ask assistance of another trusted ATA troll but only if the troll is  a member in good standing with the American Troll Society. This is usually frowned upon and the work of an amateur. Team trolling is referred to as factory fishing and can damage the environment.

While a self respecting lone-wolf-troll such as myself would never ask another troll for help, it is acceptable as long as the helper troll is fully repaid with a combination of at least half the troll points, Canadian tire money or ass sex. Use of Canadian tire money and troll points may be illegal in your country.

Rule #7 - Unlicensed Tolls
From time to time, a troll is found to be trolling without a license recognized by the American Troll Society. In order to protect the reputation of the professional trolling community, you may be called upon to donate trolling time and resources to remove these whale turds from the pond.

Just because a person gets paid to troll such as a government agent or corporate troll, this  does not mean they are a professional. Only a properly trained and certified troll licensed by the American Troll Society is protected and recognized by the professional trolling community. Respect your profession and round up these sub-genius posers!

Rule #8 Divide and Conquer
Divide and conquer is military strategy 101. If you see two unlicensed trolls working together, tell the most senior of the two things that the junior troll said but probably should not have. Learn to pit two masters against each other and you will soon only have one wounded master to defeat.